Stupid Dummy's Guide To Higher Self-Esteem

"The Stupid Dummy's Guide To Higher Self-Esteem"
by Fred Passmore copyight 2004

Synopsis: The author of a book on self-esteem has her first book-signing at a local bookstore. A series of ego-crushing encounters with various customers demolishes her own self-esteem, until a Christian helps her see things in a different light.

Setting: A bookstore. A shelf with various books on it would be helpful, but is not necessary. A folding table, a folding chair, a comfortable padded chair off to the side is needed.

Characters: Linda Weller, the author. Hank Chambers, known as Customer #1. The teenage bookstore Employee. The Suit Man, who is a lawyer. The Kid, who is a boy around 10 years old. The Man, who wants his money back. The Lady, who is dressed finely. Several other extras, three or four at least, as browsing customers who wander off and on stage.
NOTE: The gender of the author and Customer #1 may be switched if desired, with a man as the author and a woman as the helpful customer. You may make the appropriate script changes to accomodate this alteration.

Props: A picture frame with the actress's photo, a t-shirt, several paperback books, a Bible, an autograph book or notepad.

NOTE: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance.

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(If you are using the Supplemental Skit Trax CD, begin Track #05, the skit open music.)

(The teenage Books-A-Billion employee walks in, carrying some books. A customer enters the store.)

(The customer walks on, looking over the books. He picks one up and sits down in a padded chair off to the side to read. Linda Weller enters carrying a cardboard box.)

Linda: Yes... you know, for the book, "The Stupid Dummy's Guide to Higher Self-Esteem."

Employee: Oh, wait, there is one today, I forgot. Every third Saturday is "Meet The Author" day.

Employee: (Laughs.) A crowd? For that author of that book? I doubt it. You'll probably be their only fan.

Linda: (Somewhat peeved.) I don't think you understand. I am the author. I'm here to set up for the book signing.

Employee: (Looking around.) Um, let's see... how about over near the Self-Help section?

Linda: (Reluctantly.) I was kind of hoping to have a table near the entrance...

Employee: Sorry, but "Beeno the Clown" will be there today making balloon sculptures for the kids.

Linda: Oh. Well, I guess the Self-Help section will have to do, then. Wouldn't want to upset Beeno. Where is it?

Employee: (Chuckling.) Well, if I told you that, it would be defeating the purpose of the Self-Help section, wouldn't it?

Employee: (Directing her to the center of the stage.) It's over there. I'll get you a table.

(He leaves and comes right back with a card table and a folding chair, which he sets up.)

Linda: (Gesturing behind her.) Wouldn't they be here in the Self-Help shelves?

Employee: Normally, but that title is already in the ninety-nine cent Bargain Bin up front.

Employee: Well, we haven't sold any copies, and shelf space is at a premium with all the new books coming out.

Employee: (Shrugging.) Well, maybe one. Sorry about that. (Helpfully.) Maybe it was the cover art that put folks off. It looked pretty crummy.

(Linda shakes her head in exasperation at the clerk and takes a folded T-Shirt from the box and places it on the table, along with a plastic page holder that has her picture on it. She takes a chair and places it behind the table.)

(He takes one out and hands it to her, and she places it on the table next to her picture. He puts the box under the table.)

Linda: There we go. I've brought along some T-Shirts of my paintings to sell also, do you mind?

Employee: Not at all.(Looking at the one lying on the table.) You might want to display another one, though. It looks like somebody threw up all over that one.

Employee: (Doing a double-take, he looks at the T-shirt again, then back at her.) Oh... sorry. I can see the resemblance now.

Linda: (With effort to control herself.) Maybe you should leave while you still can.

(The employee hurriedly beats it offstage. Linda sits down behind the table and puts her fingers to her temples to collect herself.)

Linda: (To herself.) Nice steady, deep breaths. I am calm. I am centered. I am in control.

Employee: (Over the loudspeakers.) Attention, Books-a-Billion shoppers. Bring the kids to the front of the store to meet Beeno the Clown, who will be making free balloon sculptures for everyone! Today is also "Meet The Author" Day, and in the Self-help section you can meet... (Pauses as if consulting some notes.) ...Linda Teller, author of "The Stupid Dummy's Guide to Higher Self-Esteem."

Employee: (Continuing.) Ms. Teller will be available for the next hour to sign your copies of the book, give autographs, and discuss the book with you. Be sure to stop by and say hello!

Employee: (Continuing.) By they way, Books-a-Billion is giving away a copy of the book free to all customers who buy the new release, "Toenail Clipping Photos of Famous Celebrities," now on sale in the Biographies section.

Man: (Holds up the book.) And you wrote this book, "The Stupid Dummy's Guide to Higher Self-Esteem"?

Linda: (With a proud smile.) I sure did. (Reaching for it.) Would you like me to sign it for you?

Man: (Crossing his arms.) That's right lady, I want my money back. Your book did nothing for me. I'm still ugly, I'm still broke, I'm still lonely, and I still hate myself.

Linda: (Defensively.) I'm sorry, sir, but my book doesn't offer help to change you, only your self-image!

Man: (Incredulous.) What's the point of changing my self-image when I'm still the same old loser? I want to be a winner, not just think I am! That's self-deception. I may be a stupid dummy, but I'm not so stupid that I'd fall for that.

Linda: (Placatingly.) Sir, if you can change your self-image to a positive one, and learn to love yourself, you can change the way others see you.

Man: Yeah, they'll see me as an ugly, broke, lonely bum who loves himself. (Sarcastically.) Oh, that's even better! (Sticking out his hand and snapping his fingers.) My money, please.

Man: So you owe me. Pay up, or... (Gets an idea.) I'll sit here and help you greet people. (Leans over her with his hands on the table.) Yeah, that's a great idea. I'll be a living testimony to your book's effectiveness. You wouldn't mind that, would you?

(Leaning back away from him in her chair, her face betrays her fear at thought of his threat. She quickly takes some money from her pocketbook and sticks it in his outstreached hand with no further protest.)

Man: (Pocketing the money.) I thought you'd see reason. (Turning to go, he pauses with a parting comment.) Oh, and by the way, I ain't no art critic, lady, but that painting on the cover makes me wanna barf. (He leaves.)

(Linda sits and waits for someone to show interest. Several people browse by, but none stop or return her greeting. Linda taps the table, marking time. She twiddles her thumbs, looking around. She spies some dust on the table and wipes it off, inspecting it from an angle. She hums to herself.)

Linda: (Glancing at her watch.) Okay, this is starting to get a little embarrassing. (She leans her chin on her hand.)

Linda: (With a relieved smile.) I'd be happy to! (Reaching for it.) What's your name?

Linda: Really? It's nice to have such young fans. (She finishes with a flourish and hands it to him with a smile.)

Kid: Gee, thanks! (Looking at the book, he wrinkles his brow and turns back.) Hey, you put the wrong name!

(The kid rips the page out of the book with disgust and throws it down on the table.)

Kid: (Walking off angrily) You shouldn't try to fool innocent little kids, lady.

(Linda just stares after him for a moment, baffled. Looking over at the customer sitting in the chair and reading, she asks him a question.)

(At this point several people walk back and forth --repeatedly-- in front of her table as they shop. None are interested in her or her book.)

Linda: This is totally humiliating! (Linda picks up the copy of her book and opens it.) I think I need to take a chapter from my own book. My self-esteem is taking a real beating today.

(A finely-dressed lady stops at her table, looking past her at the Self-Help shelves.)

Linda: (Looking up.) No, but I'm familiar with most of the books in this section, I'll help if I can.

Lady: Thank you. Do you know where I could find a good book on bolstering one's self-image? My husband needs some help in that area.

Lady: Insecure? That's not the word for it. The little shrimp refuses to speak up for himself, no matter how I berate him for it. He's afraid to stand up to his boss and ask for a raise, the coward. I've told him over and over and over that he needs to get some guts and ambition. For some reason he feels inadequate, and he blames it on his hair loss, or his spare tire, or his ulcers, or some other foolish thing. Harold's inadequate because he's a wimp. But I'll make him a man, yet. (She turns away to look over the books on the shelf.) I thought a book on self-esteem might help.

(While the lady is looking away, Linda plainly mouths the word "you" and points with both index fingers at the lady's back.)

Lady: (Turning back to Linda, who has snapped back to normal.) Do you have any suggestions for a title?

Linda: Now that you mention it, I do. (She picks up her own book and holds it up.) Here's a great one that I think will help.

Lady: "The Stupid Dummy's Guide to Higher Self-Esteem." Now that sounds about right. The stupid dummy needs a good healthy dose of self-esteem. (She takes the book and looks it over.) Are you familiar with this title?

Lady: Hmm, it seems good enough, but the cover art is awful. Whoever designed this has horrible taste.

Linda: (Weakly, with a sickly smile.) Well, as they say, you can't judge a book by it's cover...

Lady: I hope it reads better than it looks. All right, I think I'll buy it for the little milktoast. If it gives him some self-confidence it will be worth it.

Linda: (Brightening.) Great! I know you won't be disappointed. And just for today, as a special bonus for buying this book, you get a free T-Shirt featuring original art by the author. (She holds up up the T-shirt toward the lady, away from the audience.) Maybe your husband would enjoy wearing it!

Lady: (Making a face at the shirt.) Uh, no thanks. I wouldn't let the little twerp wear something like that, it would make him look even more sickening.

Lady: Now could you point me toward the shelf with books about improving your love life? Harold needs help in that area too.

(She sighs heavily, refolding the shirt and putting it in the box. She sits down and puts her head in her hands.)

Linda: Boy, if things get any better I may jump off a bridge in sheer joy. I never dreamed this would turn out to be the Book-Signing Day From Hell.

Suit Man: And are you the author of "The Stupid Dummy's Guide to Higher Self-Esteem"?

(He hands her a piece of paper which she signs and hands back to him. Examining the signature, he nods, then takes an envelope out of his suit pocket.)

Suit Man: (Handing her a business card.) My name is Melvin Langdon. I represent the Excelsior Publishing Company out of New York. They're very interested in your work and would like to meet with you at your earliest convenience.

Linda: (Impressed.) Really? That's a huge company! They only publish the best manuscripts. I'm flattered. And they wish to meet with me?

Linda: (Looking at it with awe.) What is it, a publishing proposal? An advance on a contract?

Suit Man: You're being sued by the company for infringing on their line of trademarked "Stupid Dummy Guides" titles. You're to appear along with my client in court on the 16th of next month. I would suggest you bring along your lawyer.

Linda: (Staring blankly at the envelope in her hands, she stammers.) But... but... but...

Suit Man: Spoken with a true writer's eloquence. Good day, Ms. Weller. See you in court. (He walks briskly off.)

Linda: (Still staring in shock at the envelope, she protests.) But I thought anyone could write a book for stupid dummies!

(Taking down the picture holder and books, she places them in the box, and folds up the table, bitterly berating herself all the time as she does.)

Linda: What a fool I was to think anyone would want to meet me! I'm no writer, I'm a hack. A no-talent hack, and a so-called artist who can't even paint. My book is a flop and my artwork makes people sick. I can't get a date, or a real job. Now I'm getting sued, for a stupid, ill-conceived book I can't give away. What made me think that people with a self-image problem would buy a book calling them a stupid dummy? (She smacks herself in the forehead with an open palm.) That's gotta be the absolute worst idea in the entire, stinking, history of thinking!

(She breaks down in sobs, her own self-esteem shattered. She sits on the chair next to the box with her face in her hands. Sniffing and ranting, she starts to hit herself in the side of her head with her closed hand repeatedly.)

(The man --Customer #1-- that has been sitting and reading all along, is now watching with concern as she punishes herself. He puts down the book and move over to kneel beside her.)

Linda: (Sniffling, she looks at him through teary eyes.) Wh... what? What do you want?

Linda: (Getting more vicious as she rants.) Don't tell me, let me guess. You like watching people break down into protoplasmic goo, right? (She stands and advances on him dangerously as he backs up on his knees.) You get some kinda sick pathetic thrill out of it! Well, go ahead! Feast your eyes! Watch as the poor woman melts into a soggy, steaming pile of self-loathing!

(Other customers are watching in curiosity now and moving to see what the trouble is.)

Linda: (She spins and points at them, shouting.) All of you! You're all perverts who like to stand and gawk at the horrible wreck! Well, rubberneck no more! Move along, nothing to see here! Nothing but a worthless sack of chromosomal rejects!

(The teen Employee has returned during all this and observes the scene fearfully.)

Linda: (Glaring up at the ceiling.) And You, God! Where are You during all this? Why did You create such a loser? Do You even know what's it like to be on the cruddy end of the Stick of Life?

(Linda collapses to her knees in sobs and Customer #1 kneels beside her again. He holds up a hand to the employee.)

Employee: Well, if you say so. I'll let you handle it. (Turning to the gawkers.) Okay everyone, show's over. Let's all go up and watch Beeno do some more balloon tricks!

Customer #1: (Helper Linda to her feet.) Come on, let's go over here and sit down.

Linda: (Sniffling as she tries to talk.) Why are you doing this? I don't even know you...

Customer #1: (Handing her a handkerchief.) Oh, I just like to help people feel better about themselves.

Linda: (Dabbing her eyes with the hankie.) What are you, the Feel-Good Fairy? Yeah, like you're gonna wave your magic wand over me and take away all my pain.

Customer #1: (Chuckles.) That's funny. No, I have a reason for wanting to help out.

Linda: Oh... I don't have any money. But if you want a free copy of my book, you can have them all. But I doubt they'll help much. You can see how following my own advice hasn't helped me very much.

Customer #1: I'm not asking for any kind of reward. Helping others is it's own reward. That's how I feel good about myself; by helping other people.

Linda: (Lowering the hankie, this thought arrests her.) Really? I... I missed that angle when I wrote my book. My whole approach was, that if you improved your self-image, you could improve your self as well. Obviously I was wrong.

Customer #1: That's a little like saying that if you paint a better-looking portrait over your image in the mirror, it makes you look better. In reality, all it would do is change your perception of yourself, not you. And the perception would be erroneous.

Linda: (With amazement.) That makes sense. I never saw it that way before. (She leans back in the chair and re-appraises her new acquaintance.) Go on, this is interesting.

Customer #1: Trying to bolster your own self-esteem is like trying to lift yourself by your own bootstraps. It doesn't work. When you look within, your efforts are directed toward self. But by practicing love, your efforts are directed toward benefitting others. Their perception of you then reflects the accurate reality that you are a loving, kind person.

Linda: That is so deep. Maybe you should write a book about it, you know more than I do.

Customer #1: (Picking the book he had been reading back up.) No need; the best book ever written about it is already out. I was just reading it. That's where I learned the secret to real self-esteem... it's, as the author wrote, "to esteem others more highly than yourself."

Customer #1: (Stalling.) You may have heard of it before, but it's not usually found in the Self-Help section.

Customer #1: It's the single most translated manuscript in history, too. More people have read it than any other single book.

Linda: (Holds up the handkerchief with a twinkle in her eye.) See this hankie you loaned me? If you don't stop stalling I'm going to stuff your jaws with it.

(Holding up the book to her with a hand covering the title, he pauses dramatically and then reveals it with a flourish.)

Linda: (Taken aback.) "The Holy Bible?" You're yankin' my chain now for sure...

Customer #1: Not at all. It's the best-selling book of all time. Millions have found the answer to life's questions and problems within it.

Linda: (Continuing.) ...but, the stuff you said before made real sense. It came from the Bible?

Customer #1: Sure! I was just reading it right here... (He opens to where he had bookmarked it.) Yeah, here in Galatians 6:1. "Bear ye one another's burden's, and fulfil the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself." (Looking back up at Linda.) The law of Christ is love, is says in another verse. So you see that falsely bolstered self-esteem can be just dangerous self-deception. True change doesn't come by thinking better of ourselves. In fact, the Bible also says "not to think more highly of yourself than you ought." It's sin that shatters a right relationship to God, not that we don't esteem ourselves enough.

Linda: That is so totally opposite from anything I've ever read in any of the psychiatry books. But you know what? It makes sense.

Customer #1: Once your self-worth is increased by having a right relationship with God, through His Son, Jesus, you can then help others to carry their load, thus showing the Lord's love.

Linda: Like you did... and are still doing. (Looking into his eyes, she speaks with a new appreciation of him.) You don't seem to have a problem with low self-esteem. Or a problem with pride. You seem balanced... at peace with yourself and others.

Customer #1: (Meeting her gaze, he speaks a little softer as their eyes lock.) Being at peace with God through Christ has that effect. You can truly love others, and yourself. Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

Linda: I can see that showing love is important in lifting another's spirits. (A smile begins to spread across her lips.) I'm feeling better already!

Customer #1: It's Hank. (Holding out his hand, which she takes gently and holds.) Hank Chambers.

Linda: (Leaning forward, still holding his hand.) Hank... do you like... french vanilla frappe?

Linda: There's a coffee shop here in the store. Would you like to sit awhile and... talk, while we enjoy some, my treat?

Hank: (With a wry smile.) I'd have to be a "Stupid Dummy" to turn down an offer like that.

Hank: (Fixing her with his gaze, he speaks firmly with conviction.) I won't be.

(They begin to walk offstage, never taking their eyes off each other, still hand-in-hand.)

Linda: Tell me some more about this love, Hank. I like to hear you speak on it with such strength... and authority.

Hank: (Smiling.) I should warn you, it's my favorite subject. I'm liable to go on for hours!

Linda: (As they are coming to the edge of the stage.) That sounds like heaven.

(They walk off stage happily as the music comes up and ends, concluding the skit.)

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