The Man With the Shellfish Heart

A hardboiled (but chewy) detective searching for an inheritance heir follows the trail to a seedy dive. But things get sticky when he gets trapped by a musselman who refuses to clam up. They both learn something about opening up to others and the love of Christ that compels us to share the Gospel and bear one another’s burdens. Great for Friendship Week events.

Those attempting to handle life's hurts without Christ often withdraw into a shell of denial and loneliness. Yet the human heart never stops reaching out for someone to listen. It is up to the Christian to draw out the person by listening to their hurts and offering an open ear and compassionate heart, rather than platitudes.

The setting is the inside of a seafood raw bar and grill. All that is needed is a small table and a couple of chairs. On the table is a napkin holder, salt and pepper shakers, and a candle in a tall glass candle holder, lit for atmosphere. More tables and chairs may be added in the background if desired. The set may be as simple or as elaborate, with ocean-themed decorations, as desired. Extras may be sitting at the other tables and acting as if talking.

NOTE: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance.

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To listen to the skit as it sounds on the Prime Example album, "Comedy Cookout," click the play button on the audio player below. You can go to the Comedy CDs page to order "Comedy Cookout." (This CD is for listening to the track, not performing it, but it is also on the Soundtrack CD for inspiration.)

(If you are using the Supplemental Skit Trax CD, begin Track #21, the skit open music.)

(NOTE: Copy Track #25, the background ambience, to another source such as cassette, for continuous playback during the sketch.)

(Laughter, talking and glasses tinkling in the background, with a lounge piano playing at a low level in the background throughout.)

(STU is sitting and nursing a root beer. He is slumped over the table is a dejected posture. Enter WRIGLEY in hat and trench coat. He pauses and checks out the stage.)

(If using the pre-recorded CD tracks, this is already on Track #21. If yuu wish to do it yourself, use the music-only version on Track #23. Should be read in a monotone, with a deadpan delivery.) Sometimes people get into trouble. Sometimes they have a friend or loved one looking for them. And sometimes they're just lost. When somebody needs to be found, that's where I come in. My name is Wrigley. Private Detective. It was a steamy Saturday night in our southern coastal city, and I was standing in front of the seediest dive in town. A Seafood place called "The Raw Bar and Grill." But I wasn't afraid... because greater is He that is within me than he that is in the bar.

(WRIGLEY pulls out a piece of gum, unwraps it, and puts it between his lips like a cigarette. He lets it dangle there.)

So with my chin out, my fedora cocked with a hair-trigger and a fresh stick of spearmint in my kisser, I went in.

The place was filled with human refuse, the waste of a user society. With eyes like two steel wool pads, I scoured the place thoroughly. I was looking for a guy named Pittman. First name, Stu. Finally, thru the dimly-lit haze of smoke, I saw a likely suspect. He was sitting alone, staring a bottle of root beer into submission.

(WRIGLEY stops next to the table, takes the piece of gum from his lip and tips back his hat.)

WRIGLEY: "The name's Wrigley." (Putting the gum back between his lips, he pulls out a badge and flips it.) "Private detective."

WRIGLEY: "Been lost. Didn't like it. Now, are you gonna answer me, or am I gonna have to get tough?"

(He leans over into STU's face, takes the gum from where it was dangling from his lips, then-- never taking his eyes off of STU's-- he folds it in half and put it into his mouth, chewing it with deliberate jaw motions. STU seems shook up at this act of "toughness" and relents.)

(WRIGLEY turns around a chair and straddles it, putting his hat on the table.)

WRIGLEY: "Been looking for you. Your garage has been closed for weeks and your phone's disconnected. You hang out here a lot, Stu?"

WRIGLEY: "Oyster Stu." (WRIGLEY takes out his notepad and looks at it. He rubs his chin in thought, then puts on his hat.) "Well, Oyster, I think I might have made a mistake. The guy I'm looking for goes by the nickname of..."

STU: "I live a solitary life...just like an oyster. And I like it that way." (STU releases WRIGLEY and slowly settles back down in his seat.) "And...like an oyster, I have a hard, crusty shell. A shell to keep the world away. And to keep me away from the world. I don't want to be bothered by anyone. And I don't need a friend."

(WRIGLEY takes each sentence to be STU's last and starts to leave, but then STU starts again and WRIGLEY stays, to be polite. This happens several times after each sentence. WRIGLEY starts to show a little exasperation, until he finally realizes STU is wanting to talk, and he takes off his hat again, settling back to listen. STU's voice grows reflective and his face softens.)

STU: "But, like an oyster, hidden inside is a soft, vulnerable creature. A sensitive part, tender and gentle." (His face grows dark again.) "But, like an oyster, I'm also slimy inside. Slimy and disgusting to look at in broad daylight. Too low to kick and too wet to step on. So I keep my shell closed and lie at the bottom of life's polluted riverbed, in the filthy mud and rusty tin cans and worn-out old tires." (STU leans back and takes a swig from the bottle.) "But deep inside that crusty exterior, hidden even deeper inside the slimy insides, there lies... a pearl. And you know what's inside that pearl, gumshoe? A grain of sand. An irritating, painful piece of grit that gets inside your shell, between your bivalve and your siphon, rubbing you raw. And you can't get it out, no matter how much pain it causes. You know what my pain was, Wrigley? A memory. A memory of a woman. It ate away at my heart until I wrapped it in beautiful memories of the good time we had. And it didn't hurt so bad anymore. (STU grabs WRIGLEY by the shoulder and squeezes until he winces.) Do you know what pain is, Wrigley?"

WRIGLEY: (Wincing, he pries STU's fingers out of his shoulder and then rubs it.) "Oh, yeah."

(STU appears not to notice and continues talking. WRIGLEY rests his elbow on the table and leans his face on his fist as STU goes on.)

STU: "Dames. You can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. And this dame, she was something special. Her name was Pearl. I've never found any woman that I had so much in common with. (A faraway look comes into his eyes and he grins wistfully.) We both loved changing our engine oil on the weekend, and running barefoot through the cow pasture. We both loved shooting squirrels as they walked over the telephone lines across the highway, and watching them hit the road and get flattened by eighteen-wheelers. We loved picking our toes on the front porch as the sun went down, and then watching our tapes of our favorite TV commercials. I remember those summer days, spent looking for snails in the garden, then surrounding them with salt and betting on which ones would melt first as they tried to get away."

(WRIGLEY grimaces and pinches the bridge of his nose, as if warding off a headache.)

STU: "And we both loved to talk. You may not believe this, Wrigley, but there was a time that I talked a lot."

STU: "We would stay up til dawn, talking. We never listened to each other, we just talked at the same time. But it was like paradise, Adam and Eve in the garden. Except Pearl was a lot hairier than Eve. And she was bigger. And she hated apples, because they gave her gas. But, like the garden of Eden, it couldn't last. Because there was just one little problem." (Stu pauses, takes another drink.) "We got to where we couldn't stand each other." (He belches.)

STU: "I remember how it ended. It was last Valentine's Day. I forgot all about it, and went fishin' instead. Said she wanted "somebody more romantic." She gave me back my issues of Field and Stream, and I gave her back her can of Fix-A-Flat and 40 piece socket set. She left me one thing to remember her by."

(STU pulls out a bottle opener and holds it up. WRIGLEY leans forward and inspects it.)

STU: "This bottle opener. With a mother of pearl handle. Now every time I pop the top of a cold one, I'm reminded of Pearl's mother. That was one hateful woman. And it helps make it easier." (He pockets the botle opener.) "Looking back, I've figured out what went wrong. We were too much alike. We both saw too much of ourselves in the other, and we didn't like what we saw. But you just can't get away from yourself. And I've been making myself miserable ever since."

STU: "I heard that she got religion and opened up a combination homeless shelter and 24 hour car wash. She gives people a place to stay and food in return for their work in her car wash. Plus they get to take a shower and clean their clothes while they work. Not too bad, huh?"

STU: "Nah, there ain't room in my shell for God. I like it just the way I am. So you go back to whoever sent you, by gum, and you tell them that Oyster Stu doesn't want to be found. Nobody knows my business. And nobody is ever gonna shuck and jive this Oyster. I just want to be left alone. My heart ain't just broke, it's smashed and stomped on, and Valentine's Day is just another reminder of why it's better to just clam up and forget about love. Ain't nothin' to it."

(He pauses, and WRIGLEY looks up, waiting. After a moment of silence he looks at his watch, puts on his hat, and gets up. STU looks up at him, coming out of his reverie.)

WRIGLEY: "Just one more thing, Oyster. There's somebody out there that sees you as a tasty morsel, and one day you're going to be steamed open and swallowed whole into the mouth of hell. I'd advise you to find the Pearl of Great Price that the Bible talks about, and hide that away inside. Then you'll be in the right harvest when the nets are drawn in."

WRIGLEY: "I'm a fisher of men. Here's my card if you ever want to open up and talk about it."

STU: "I got nothin' to say. I just want to be left alone. So go on, get outta here."

V/O: I left Oyster to stew in his own juices. The Stu I was looking for was the heir of a million dollar estate. But there was no need to tell Oyster that, it would have only depressed him. The Stu I needed to find was nicknamed "Beef." And I knew one thing: I sure wasn't looking forward to listening to his story.

STU: "That's right, get outta here! Just walk out that door and forget about me!"

STU: "That's it, keep going! Who needs you? I don't need anybody! Hey, don't walk out when I'm talkin' to you!"

STU: "Just walk out, like everybody else in my life! Just take a hike and lose old Oyster Stu, the loser! (He puts his face in his hands and breaks down.) Nobody wants a loser for a friend!"

(WRIGLEY studies STU as he puts his head down and sobs into his sleeve, the detective's expression softening as he realises his own selfishness. He compresses his lips, then walks back over to STU and stands beside the table and takes off his hat, holding it in his hands contritely.)

WRIGLEY: (Sitting down) "What it's like to need a friend. (He smiles.) And how to be one."

(STU looks at him, then wipes his nose on his sleeve and takes a swig from his rootbeer bottle.)

WRIGLEY: "Oh. Well, anyway, I'm sorry. Look, I'm going to a Men's Bible Study tonight. The topic is gonna be "God's Love: Tougher Than Nails." How about joining me?"

WRIGLEY: "Afterwards, the guys are coming over to my house for some food and fellowship. How about it?"

STU: (A bit grudgingly.) "Well, I could use a little of both, I suppose. A bottle of root beer ain't a very good listener. (He suddenly looks up and slaps the table.) Sure, why not?"

(WRIGLEY extends his hand. STU regards it for a second then slowly reaches out to grasp it. As he does, and they shake, a big grin comes across his face.)

STU: "It's about time I came out of my shell, anyway. It gets kind of lonely in there."

WRIGLEY: "Come on, I'll give you a lift." (He stands with a renewed energy, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.)

STU: "Buddy, you already have!" (STU stands and grins at WRIGLEY, seemingly a different man. He claps him on the shoulder and gives him a big one armed hug, squeezing him like a sponge, causing his eyes to bulge. STU turns his head and yells at an unseen bartender.) "Hey, Bull! I'm outta here!"

(WRIGLEY takes another stick of gum out and hangs it on his lip, then puts his hat back on.. They talk as they head slowly offstage.)

WRIGLEY: "Yeah. But I'm cutting back. Down to a pack a day. Is the food any good here?"

STU: "I don't think so... gives me heartburn. I just came here to be more miserable."

(As the narration plays, Stu and Wrigley are slowly walking offstage. Time it so that their exit coincides with the end of the narration. If you are doing your own narration, use the music-only Close music on Track #24.)

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