MENU: Home Page / Script Page / Soundtracks / Comedy CDs / Testimonials / Contact Fred

Written by Fred Passmore and Jon Lawhon copyright 1994

SKIT SYNOPSIS

A Christian reporter interviews a Soldier of the Lord at the front of the battle. In the face of the fierce fighting and the soldier's dedication, the reporter learns the importance of the armor of God and personal commitment.

MAIN THEME

Spiritual warfare is a part of every Christian's life, not only the leaders or those in positions of great responsibility.

CHARACTERS

• WALTER CONCRETE - News Anchor
• NED FLOPPLE - Field Correspondent
• CORPORAL PETE MOSS
• PRIVATE WILLY NILLY
• FOUR OR MORE EXTRAS IN NON-SPEAKING ROLES

  ---

  PROPS

  • MICROPHONE
  • PLASTIC FRUIT (APPLE OR PEAR)
  • SMALL BIBLE
  • PLASTIC GRENADE
  • BINOCULARS
  • TOY RIFLES AND GUNS FOR EXTRAS (optional)

  ---

  COSTUMES

  • TED FLOPPLE: CASUAL
  • CORP. PETE MOSS: ARMY FATIGUES, HELMET, BELT WITH POUCH, VARIOUS MEDALS.
  • PVT. WILLY NILLY: ARMY FATIGUES, HELMET.

  ---

  STAGE The stage represents on open field. The EXTRAS are positioned to one side of the stage firing their prop weapons (or pantomiming with empty hands) in the same direction, offstage.

  ---

  CHARACTER NOTES Corporal Pete Moss is an "officer and a gentleman." He is relaxed and open when speaking to the reporter, but always keeps an eye on the battle around him. He is commanding, stern when need be, but a leader of the type to inspire his men rather than bully them. He is perceptive of the spiritual condition of the people around him and helps them become more disciplined even when the focus is on him.

  Ned Flopple is professional in his questions, but is hiding an underlying unease about being in an area of spiritual activity. Although a media celebrity in Christian circles, he is not really a part of the day to day experience of victorious Christian living. He is obviously not happy with his assignment, which shows in his complaints about the hardships he encounters. When challenged, though, he finds a new inner courage.

  Private Willy Nilly, like the name suggests, is constantly getting into trouble by running off without being ordered to do so. He is enthusiastic about his dubious achievements but the results of his work tend to blow up in his face. His demeanor is somewhat like a puppy, eager to please but dim-witted. When scolded or reproved he is instantly contrite, but runs off happy again when forgiven.

  Walter Concrete is a take-off on Walter Cronkite, the famous news anchor. The player should mimic his delivery if possible or use the prerecorded intro on cassette by Prime Example.

We have the entire soundtrack for "Live From The Battlefield," which includes opening music, "Walter Concrete's" opening and closing dialogue, and all the sounds mentioned in the script. If you plan on performing this skit, why bother trying to assemble them on your own, when we've already done the work for you? Read on...

EXTRA! Click the play button on the player below to listen to this skit as it sounds fully produced on "Prime Example's" 1st album, "Comedy Skits and Songs!" You can order the album here. (The comedy album is for listening, not performing. This fully-produced version is also on the Soundtrack for inspiration. It is not exactly the same as the script, however. Read the note at the bottom of this script.)

MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
The constant sound of battle (Cut 10 on our CD, recorded to a cassette) should be played from one sound source all during the scenes when the focus is on the battlefield. Separate sound effects called for in the script (Cuts 1-9 on the CD) should be played on cue from another sound source controlled offstage.

SOUND EFFECTS ON CD:

• 1: Opening music with Walter Concrete's dialogue
• 2: bomb blast
• 3: cannon shot, with impact explosion
• 4: grenade explosion, close up
• 5: bomb whistle, explosion, up close
• 6: grenade explosion, distant
• 7: machine gun, several seconds
• 8: rifle shots, up close
• 9: jets approaching and passing overhead, also closing music and announcer.
• 10: This CD track has 15 minutes worth of constant battle sounds for background, to be copied to cassette for simultaneous use with CD.

  ---

"Live From The Battlefield"

(Begin Track #1, News Music and Walter Concrete dialog.)

CONCRETE: (ON CUT 1) Good evening, I'm Walter Concrete, and this is Christian Perspective News.Tonight's headlines: our coverage of the war between Christians and the forces of darkness continues. We take you live to the battlefield where correspondent Ned Flopple is standing by with a report.

(During this time, NED FLOPPLE has been standing beside CORPORAL MOSS while they wait for their introduction. NED is holding a hand to his ear as if listening to an earpiece.

NED: (Lowering his hand from his ear, he speaks into the mic.) Thank you, Walter. I'm in the Christian camp on the forefront of the heated battle, and I'm talking to Corporal Pete Moss, a soldier in the army of Jesus Christ for seven years. Corporal, how are things going here on the front?

MOSS: Fine, Ned. But as the last days grow shorter, the battle is really getting intense. It seems the more we close in on the enemy, the more desperate and dangerous they become. But we're closer to victory than ever before Keep your head down, though...there are a lot of ---

(Play Track #2, Explosion.)

(He is interrupted by the loud blast and they duck down for a second)

MOSS: ...explosions!

NED: That was close! What kind of missile was that?

MOSS: That little fiery dart was envy. It can really wreak havoc in the camp.

NED: I wish our side had something like that!

MOSS: Not me! We have something better! (He cups his hands and shouts in the direction of fighting) Okay, men! Let's load up a GAL Five Two Six into the cannon!

NED: What kind of ammunition is that?

MOSS: They're going to launch a Galations 5:26 from our weapons stockpile, the Bible.

(Play Track #3.)

(From offstage comes the command to fire, followed by a CANNON SHOT.)

MOSS: It says, "Let us not be desirous of vainglory, provoking one another, envying one another."

(A continuation of the last effect: DISTANT EXPLOSION as target is hit.)

MOSS: (Looking off in that direction with the binoculars) Direct hit! Praise the Lord! (He lowers the binoculars and looks back at NED.)

NED: Tell me more about this powerful weapon of yours.

MOSS: Well, it comes directly from God. It's quick and powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword. When used under the direction of our Field Commander, the Holy Spirit, it's unbeatable!

(A soldier-PRIVATE WILLY NILLY- runs up and stands at attention beside MOSS, saluting as he does so.)

NILLY: (Out of breath) Sir! Private Willy Nilly reporting, sir!

MOSS: (Returning salute) What it is, Private?

NILLY: Sir, I was scouting around the enemy's camp, and I found this weapon! (Holds up plastic grenade) It'd be great to use against them!

MOSS: (Reacting with alarm) Wait, that's a Revenge Grenade! Quick, get rid of it!

(MOSS grabs the grenade and throws it away before it explodes...)

(Play Track #4: GRENADE BLAST WITH SHOUTS)

(...knocking them all to the ground. They get back up slowly, with NED brushing off his clothes.)

NILLY: (As he gets up) I...I'm sorry, sir! I almost destroyed us all!

MOSS: You shouldn't have been in the enemy's camp, Private.

NILLY: (Downcast) You're right, sir. I just wanted to get back at them for all the harm they've done.

MOSS: "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord. I will repay." We're not supposed to hate our opponents, Willy. Only the wrong they do. And remember, you used to be on their side before joining God's army. Now, do you think you've learned your lesson?

NILLY: Yes, sir! Most definitely, sir!

MOSS: (Sternly, but placing a hand on his shoulder) Then get out there and direct that enthusiasm toward helping our side! Dismissed!

NILLY: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! (He runs off.)

MOSS: (To NED) Are you all right?

NED: (Brushing off a few final spots of dust from his clothes, he mumbles to himself.) I'd better get extra hazard pay for this. (He remembers the camera and quickly jumps back to his TV persona.) Uh, I'm okay. Corporal, could you comment on what just happened?

MOSS: That man made the mistake of trying to use one of the enemy's weapons. But the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, or worldly, but mighty through God. Revenge is just too explosive and does more damage to us than them!

NED: Why didn't you discipline that man?

MOSS: Well, he was a new addition to God's army. A babe in Christ, as it were. He'll learn a lot more by getting right back out there than if I sent him back to the barracks. Besides, we don't use the same tactics our enemy does. They use intimidation, lies and fear to keep their troops in line. But we lead through example and love. And as leaders we are really servants of all. There's no room in this army for leaders merely out for personal recognition or elevation.

(Play Track #5: A whistle in the sky grows louder.)

MOSS: (Looking up) Look out! Incoming fire! It's an IMP missile!

(They hit the ground, covering their heads with their arms. A loud blast goes off nearby and they shake as if from the impact.)

NED: (Raising his head) Wha..what in the world was that?

MOSS: (Looking up also) That was an I-M-P missile...it delivers a deadly payload of Impatience! They really pack a whallop!

NED: (Picking himself up once more, muttering) I'm going to have to take up something less dangerous...(Loudly and angrily) ...like SNAKE HANDLING!

MOSS: (Also getting up, angrily) All right, that does it! I'm bringing out the heavy artillery! (He reaches into his belt pouch and brings out the fruit.)

NED: (Incredulous) A...a fruit? What good is a piece of fruit?

MOSS: Patience, Ned. This is a fruit of the Spirit! (He pulls out the stem with his teeth and yells) Put this in your pipe and smoke it! (He hurls it offstage.)

NED: What was that?

(Play Track #6: Grenade Blast.)

MOSS: (As it explodes:) Long-suffering. They can't stand that!

NED: What else do you have from the Bible to use?

MOSS: Well, the armor of God is extremely important. For example... (He spies something and yells) DUCK!

(He tackles NED, pushing him down just as a machine gun fires at them.)

(Play Track #7: MACHINE GUN)

(They wait until it ceases, then MOSS gets up from off of NED, whom he had been covering. Poor NED, lying face down, looks extremely put-upon and is losing his professionalism. He has also lost his mic.)

MOSS: (As he gets up) Those were some nasty thorns of the flesh they were firing there. (Looking down at NED) Sorry if I was rough, but sometimes you have to be when helping your Christian brother avoid being a target for the enemy.

NED: (Pushing himself up on his arms, he responds sarcastically) Thanks a million. You know, this assignment is really starting to be a real pain in the...(He rolls over and sits down, when suddenly he jumps up in pain, holding a hand to his posterior.) YEEOUCH! What did I do, sit down on a porcupine?

MOSS: Uh oh, looks like you got hit by a few thorns. Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound.

NED: They sting like the devil!

MOSS: That's what Paul used to say. We all get them now and then. But it helps if you have on the armor of God, like I was saying.

NED: But I'm just a civilian, I don't want to get involved in the battle!

MOSS: When you became a Christian, Ned, you enlisted God's army, whether you're out on the forefront of the battle or not.

NED: Well, it's just too dangerous out here for me, I'm getting out of here. (he starts backing away, looking back and forth for danger) I think I'll go back to covering gospel sings. Yeah, that's it! Nice and safe, nobody but other Christians around...

(SFX CUT 8: GUNSHOTS)(Play Track #8: GUNSHOTS)

(Suddenly shots rings out close by and NED falls to the ground, screaming shrilly.)

NED: Aaaugh! Corporal! Help me!

(MOSS runs to his side and kneels, yelling angrily at an unseen soldier off to one side.)

MOSS: Hey, soldier! Make sure you know what you're aiming at before you start shooting! You're on KP duty for two months! (He examines NED) Did he hit you?

NED: No, I guess he just scared the wits out of me. Was that someone on our side?

MOSS: (Helping NED to his feet) I'm afraid so. We've lost our share to friendly fire.

NED: Friendly fire? If that was friendly, I wouldn't want to get on his bad side!

MOSS; What that means is that sometimes we can be injured by those on our own side when they get careless. (Pointedly) Or we don't have our armor in place!

NED: (Standing now, he looks abashed) Point taken.

MOSS: You can't be neutral anymore, Ned.

NED: (Straightening, he speaks with a dawning determination) I've hovered on the edges for years, reporting and commenting on the efforts of others but never participating myself. I think it's time for a change.

MOSS: (Grabbing his hand and shaking it warmly, smiling) Great! Let's get you some armor. (Pantomiming handling each item as if they were invisible.) Here's the helmet of salvation. Put it on!

NED: (Puzzled) I don't see anything...(He reaches for it and his face shows his amazement.) Wait! I can feel it! It's invisible!

MOSS: Yes, because it's spiritual armor. But "spiritual" doesn't mean it's not real...it's very real and vital in spiritual warfare. Now try it on.

NED: (Taking it, he places it on his head) Fits perfectly! In fact, I can see and hear more clearly with it on!

MOSS: Here's the shield of faith. (Handing it to NED with both hands as if it is large and heavy) It'll protect you from all the fiery darts of the wicked one if you keep it between you and him.

NED: (Placing it on his left arm and holding it up with some effort) Now this is what I call a shield! But it's not easy to lift at all.

MOSS: That's why you have to use it often to build up your strength. The more you use it the lighter it'll get! Next, the breastplate of righteousness. (He helps NED place it on his chest and fasten it in the back.) This is the righteousness of Jesus, imparted to you and tailor made to fit.

NED: Now, this is as light as a feather! (He thumps his chest) But it's solid.

MOSS: Here's the truth, to gird up your loins with...

NED: (Taking it and holding it up uncertainly) Uh...I feel ignorant for asking...but what's a loin and how do you gird it up?

MOSS: (laughing) Lot's of new recruits ask that. That phrase refers to a belt used for tying up your robes so that they wouldn't trip you when running and fighting. The truth will set you free from the entanglements of worldly cares. Now, we don't wear robes much anymore, so think of it as a belt to keep your pants from falling down and tripping you!

NED: Well, that's pretty important! (He puts it around his waist and ties it like a sash.)

MOSS: And here's some heavy-duty boots, which are made of the preparation of the gospel of peace. They'll protect you from the land mines of Satanic confusion.

(NED pulls them on and stands proudly with his feet apart, his fists on his hips.)

NED: Wow! I feel really strong! Let me at 'em!

MOSS: Wait, here's your personal weapon--your own sword of the Spirit. (He hands him a small Bible from the pouch.) Never let anyone steal it from you, and practice using it always. All together, the armor is invincible!

NED: (Looking over his shoulder at his back) Hey, how come there's nothing to protect my back?

(Begin Track 9: music, SFX and CLOSE vocal)

MOSS: Because as soldiers in the Lord's army never retreat. When we've done all we can, we just stand. Jesus does the rest. (In the distance, jets approach. He looks up) And here they come now!

NED: (Looking up) What is it?

MOSS: The angelic reinforcements! (JETS ROAR OVER) Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!(Everyone stands, rejoicing and cheering, jumping up and down. MOSS rallies his troops.) All right, soldiers! Let's go get 'em for the LORD! (MOSS leads the soldiers in a charge off the stage in the direction they had been firing, all shouting in victory. NED recovers the mic from where he had dropped it.)

NED: (Over the cheers, smiling) Back to you, Walter!

CONCRETE: (continuing from Track #9) And that's the way it is, on the battlefield of the war to end all wars. I'm Walter Concrete. Good night.

THE END

Soundtrack note: The live performance script may be different from the album version!

All of the music and effects that the above script call for are on the soundtrack CD. NOT all of the minor effects that you hear on the fully-produced album version are on the soundtrack, since it would make it too complicated to perform in syncronization with. The necessary effects and music are on the soundtrack; but the album version can be layered with many subtle effects to benefit the recording, hence the difference. But all of the sounds and musical backgrounds listed in the above script are present in the soundtrack cuts.

In cases where the script is adapted from an album skit (the albums are available here), there are sometimes changes in the script or soundtrack to better accomodate a live performance. There are no limitations on what can be done on or added to an album, but there are limitations as to how much you can do live. The soundtracks are mixed with an eye toward making your performance shine, not necessarily to perfectly match the album version.

(Inform me of your intention to use this script, or tell me what you thought of it, by going to the Contact Fred page of this site.)

Rights Of Use
(NOTE: The following terms must be printed out and included with any and all copies of the sketch distributed to performers, director, etc.)

Legal fine print: This and any other skit material on this site is copyrighted by Sheep Laughs Publications. Use of their material is limited by the following terms:

• You may print out and duplicate as many copies as you need to distribute to your performers, but republishing on the Internet, in print, or in any other manner is expressly forbidden.
• You may only print out the document in it's original format, which contains the Sheep Laughs Publications copyright information.
• Recordings of the performance (video or audio) for resale is unlawful. You may videotape the production for your own purposes, however. No broadcast of the performance of this material may be made over television or radio, without special permission. If it is part of a televised church service, permission is usually given, with conditions.
• The right of live performance of this sketch is granted at no charge on the express condition that you inform Sheep Laughs Publications of your intent to do so, via email or other communication. The right of live performance is limited to productions for churches, church events, or ministry teams. It may not be used in any event where there is a charge for viewing or presenting the material, unless special permission is asked and given.
• These terms are not binding upon Sheep Laughs Publications and do not prohibit their future publication of this sketch material in any form. The rights outlined may be withdrawn at any time by Sheep Laughs Publications.

Sheep Laughs Publications is a division of Sheep Laughs Records.

If you like reading the scripts on this site, you'll LOVE listening
to them fully produced with music and sound effects on our albums!