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"Crisis
on the Holiday Helpline"
(Thanksgiving Version)
by Fred Passmore copyight 2003
Synopsis: An operator on a crisis hotline has trouble helping a distraught caller because he has so many problems of his own. Between them, looking at a newly discovered Bible, they discover that they truly do have much to be thankful for.
Characters: Brad, the counselor on the Holiday Hotline. (This character is on stage.) Bill, the troubled caller. (This character is offstage on a microphone, and is only heard, not seen.)
Costumes: Brad is dressed casually, no special costume needed.
Props: A phone headset and a phone. A notebook or binder of some kind.
Setting: An office with a table and chair where he answers the calls that come in.
NOTE: This may just be the ultimate Last Minute Thanksgiving Skit, because the actor playing Brad can have his script in front of him to reference as he is on the phone, and the other actor can have his script in front of him as he is offstage on the mic. Only a couple of run-throughs should be enough to pull off an entertaining, simple, yet moving Thanksgiving skit!
(Please note that either or both of the characters may be changed to females if your cast or circumstances require it.)
"Crisis on the Holiday Helpline"
(Our main character, Brad, walks to a desk, pulls out the chair and sits down. The phone begins to ring, and he looks at his watch.)
Brad: Not time for my shift yet, whoever you are. Just call back when I'm on the clock.
(He flips through a magazine and takes a sip of a soft drink. The phone is still ringing. After a moment he looks at his watch again, counts the seconds, then nods his head.)
Brad: Now, I'm on the clock. (He puts a phone headset on and pushes the button on the phone.) Hello, thank you for calling the Holiday Help Line, this is Brad.
Bill: (Sniffling.) Uh... huh? What did you say?
Brad: (Impatiently.) I said, this is the Holiday Help Line, I'm your counselor, Brad. How may I help you?
Bill: (Distraught.) You took so long to answer, I didn't think you were going to! I almost did myself in.
Brad: What do you mean?
Bill: I'm standing on a chair with a rope around my neck, and I'm using my cell phone to call the number I saw on TV. I was about to hang up and jump!
Brad: No, you weren't.
Bill: What?
Brad: What's your name, pal?
Bill: Bill.
Brad: (Bored.) Bill, you weren't going to jump, or you would have already. You're calling because you're reaching out for help.
Bill: (Uncertain.) Are you supposed to be telling me this? I thought you would try to talk me down first or something.
Brad: In fact, I doubt that you're even on a chair.
Bill: Yes, I am!
Brad: With a rope around your neck?
Bill: Well... um, not yet, but I was gonna put one on!
Brad: Are you even standing on the chair?
Bill: Uh... not really, I'm kinda sitting in it. But I was about to stand!
Brad: What kind of chair is it, Bill?
Bill: (After a pause.) It's a La-z-Boy.
Brad: That's what I figured. Look, Bill, let's cut to the chase. (Each reason ticked off as if said a hundred times and he is just repeating them hollowly.) You have everything to live for, tomorrow is another day, think of your loved ones, (delivered like Yul Brynner) et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So let it be written, so let it be done. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bill: Wait, don't you care why I'm so depressed?
Brad: (With obviously fake sympathy.) Ok, why do you want to do yourself in, Bill? Tell me that. Inquiring minds want to know.
Bill: (Missing the sarcasm.) It's just awful! My stocks have hit rock bottom, I wrecked my Ferrari while I was on a skiing trip to Colorado, my girlfriend doesn't have time for me anymore because of her modeling career, and the neighborhood association is telling me the fireplace I had put in my condo doesn't conform to their rules, and I may have to take it out! My early Christmas shopping has run my credit card up to twenty thousand dollars, it'll take months to pay that off...
Brad: Just listen to yourself, Bill. Your problems are ones most ordinary people wish they had. Give me a break. Excuse me, I need to get a barf bag here, you're making me nauseous.
Bill: You know, you're not making me feel any better about myself at all! You're the worst help line counselor I've ever heard. And I've heard a plenty!
Brad: Oh, really? Call them a lot, do you, Bill?
Bill: Well... not a lot, really, just sometimes. Mostly around the holidays, I get pretty depressed then. But you're the worst!
Brad: The worst. Well, Mr. Bill, did you ever stop to think that maaaaaybe, just maaaaaybe, you're not the only one that's had a lousy day? You think counselors have it easy, huh? Well, we have lives too! Crummy, stinking, messed-up lives just like everybody else. And then, to top it all off, we have to come in for eight crummy hours a day, listening to people like you, who are usually better off than us, whine and moan and complain about their "awful lives," and "terrible problems." Do you think that's fun, Bill?
Bill: Well, no, I didn't think that...
Brad: You don't need a Holiday Helpline, Bill, you need a therapist to give you a quick ego fix.
Bill: My therapist was away on Thanksgiving vacation.
Brad: I rest my case. Let me tell you about my day, Bill, don't you think that's fair?
Bill: Well, I suppose...
Brad: (Bitterly.) I live in an efficiency apartment right next to a solid waste treatment plant. That's why it was so cheap. So, to save a few bucks, every day I have to wake up to the smell of your sewage, Bill. That's not pleasant. Today, my cat was stuck in a tree that the city was trimming. He got put through the wood chipper. Bye, bye, kitty. Hello, compost! My car had a flat, and when I was changing the tire, it slipped off the jack and rolled into a police cruiser parked two blocks down. Then I was hitchhiking to work, when it started to rain and sleet. A truck splashed me with freezing mud and slush. Sounds like fun, huh, Bill? A great way to spend Thanksgiving, right?
Bill: Not really...
Brad: (Getting louder and more angry.) Your model girlfriend doesn't have much time to spend with you. Awwww. Poor widdle rich boy. (Visciously.) At least you have one! Mine dumped me two days ago, and took all the furniture we had bought. She hocked the engagement ring I went into debt for, and spent the money on her new boyfriend! (Dripping with sarcasm.) Isn't that wonderful? Aren't I lucky? I'm so happy! (voice rises) I'm so happy and bubbling over with thankfulness that I could just, oh, I don't know... maybe (begins yelling) KILL MYSELF! Yeah! What a great idea? Any suggestions there, Bill?
Bill: (Becoming concerned.) Listen, maybe you should just calm down there. Take a deep breath...
Brad: Is that your advice? Take a few loooong, deep breaths of some good old carbon monoxide, right? Great idea! Thanks! If I still had a car I'd do it! Yeah, or how about I buy a sledgehammer and bash myself in the skull repeatedly with it, Bill? That would be much more fun, and a more merciful end, than listening to you and your kind all day!!!
Bill: (Sincerely.) I'm sorry, I never meant to make things more difficult for you...
Brad: Difficult? You don't know difficult! All you know is "me, me, me, me, me, me, me!" If you spent just a little of that time thinking about others, maybe your own problems wouldn't look so bad, ya think? Now excuse me, I'm going off to work on my diving techniques. Right into the solid waste treatment tank! Pretty poetic, huh? A fitting end for someone whose life has gone RIGHT DOWN THE STINKING TOILET!!!!!!! (He breaks down crying.)
Bill: (after a moment.) Hey, buddy? Hey... listen up. It's not that bad. It just looks that way right now. Things will look better in the morning.
Brad: (Sniffling, he is sarcastic.) Oh, that's so inspiring! Wait, that's on Page 12 of the Holiday Helpline Answer Guide. Try again.
Bill: No, I really mean it, you have more to live for. People that care for you!
Brad: (Almost laughing.) Oh, that's rich! That's really rich! Here's the fellow that a few minutes ago was talking about offing himself, now trying to talk me out of it! Talk about the blind leading the blind. I've got the counselling book right here in front of me, there's nothing you can say that I haven't already heard, and said, countless times. It's all meaningless drivel.
Bill: Wait a minute, something you said there rang a bell. Isn't that in the Bible?
Brad: What, meaningless drivel?
Bill: No, what you said about the blind leading the blind. I think that's a Bible quote.
Brad: I thought it came from a box of Crackerjacks. Who cares? I'm outta here.
Bill: No, wait a minute.That reminds me, my mother sent me a Bible for my birthday, and I haven't even opened it. I thought it was a terrible present at the time. (Pause.) Here it is, let me look at it.
Brad: You do that. I'll be writing my will. It won't take long, I don't have much. (Starts writing on a piece of paper.)
Bill: Look, she wrote in the flyleaf, "Dear Bill, In this book you will find not only the answers to life, but Life itself. I pray that it lights your path when it is the darkest. Love, Mom." And she's written a scripture that says, "The entrance of Thy word bringeth light." Oh, that's sweet!
Brad: (Rolling his eyes.) I'm gonna need some insulin here soon.
Bill: Hey, listen, you don't have any answers, you admitted it. And I sure don't. Maybe we haven't been looking in the right place for them. (He falls silent for a moment.)
Brad: (Hearing nothing, he puts down his pen and listens. After a moment, he asks concernedly: ) Hey, Bill... you still there?
Bill: Yeah, I was just reading some lines that have been highlighted. Listen to this... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will have the light of life and will never walk in darkness." That's Jesus speaking.
Brad: He actually said that?
Bill: Yeah. He's something else He said... "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No man comes to the Father but by Me."
Brad: I never heard these things before. He lays it right out there, doesn't He? No beating around the bush.
Bill: Wow, listen to this one. "I am the bread of life, Jesus told them. Those who come to me will never be hungry; those who believe in me will never be thirsty." And this! Listen to this: "Come unto Me, all you who are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest."
Brad: (Listening intently now.) This is heavy stuff. I'm... I'm feeling kind of funny here, Bill. Something I've never felt before.
Bill: I know what you mean, pal. My eyes are watering, give me a minute. Okay, that's better.
Brad: So, what now? What does this all mean?
Bill: Here's another underlined passage. Want to hear it?
Brad: Don't stop now, you're got me hooked.
Bill: This is it. "For if you will confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
Brad: That's so simple! Man, I'd like to do that. I don't know how, but I do believe! I wonder if I need to go to church or something to pray.
Bill: Wait, you know what? I don't even know your name.
Brad: It's Brad.
Bill: Well, I don't think we have to go anyplace special to pray, Brad, or it would have said so. It seems pretty straightforward. Maybe we should just do like it says. I mean, we were both ready to throw our lives away, why not give them to Him and see if He can make anything out of them?
Brad: Uh... this is embarrassing, I've never done anything like this before.
Bill: Me either, but I've heard my mother pray many times. It sounded as if she was talking to someone she knew.
Brad: Then why don't you lead, Bill. You're the one with the Bible. But I'm with you.
Bill: Okay. (After a pause.) Dear Jesus, we're just a couple of guys without a clue. But you seem to have all the answers. We're coming to you asking for Your help.
Brad: We sure are.
Bill: I've heard about you, but I never really looked at you before. Now that I have a little, I like what I see.
Brad: Me too.
Bill: Jesus, Brad and I have made a mess of our lives. If you want our lives, you can have them. Take us, Lord, if You'll have us.
Brad: Yes, Lord, take my life! And give me yours.
Bill: We're praying, Lord, that you'll come into our hearts, not just for the holidays, but for good.
Brad: For good and forever, Jesus!
Bill: Save me, Lord.
Brad: And me, too!
Bill: Help us to help others to see You, too, Lord, so we can share the joy. We pray this in Your name. Amen.
Brad: And amen!
Bill: (Sniffles slightly.) Man, I don't know about you, but suddenly, I'm seeing things in a different light! I think this is the best Thanksgiving I could have. I really have something to be thankful for now!
Brad: (Wiping his eyes and smiling.) You said it! And I'm gonna share this with everyone that calls here. I feel now like I have an answer that really means something!
Bill: Look, Brad, I'm getting ready to head over to my mother's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I know she'll be happy to hear what's happened, that I've been... what do they call it? Born again! But I'd like to talk to you again soon.
Brad: Yeah, me too, I don't have any friends to speak of.
Bill: Well, you do now! Say, Brad, I know Mom would be happy to have you join us for Thanksgiving dinner. It's nothing big or fancy, it was going to be just the two of us. But she always fixes more than we can eat. Why don't you join us if you don't have plans already?
Brad: Actually, I don't have plans. I have no relatives in this area. But I don't want to impose on a family holiday...
Bill: Well, after all this I feel that I know you. And we were both born again on the same instant. That kinda makes us brothers, doesn't it?
Brad: I guess you're right! I'd really like it, if you're sure your mom won't mind...
Bill: I know she'll be thrilled to have some company! The more the merrier, on Thanksgiving.
Brad: Okay... yeah, I'd really like that! Thanks!
Bill: Great! I'll call you back later and give you the directions. Happy Thanksgiving, Brad!
Brad: (With real warmth.) Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Bill. (He hangs up and removes the headset. Looking up, he speaks with feeling as he smiles.) And thank you, God. I feel like I'm part of a family, now. Yours!
(He gets up and walks offstage with joy in his step, singing to himself.)
Brad: "Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go..."
END
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