Bad Habit's Party

Synopsis: Due to a person's New Year's Resolutions, all their bad habits gather at a club to pass the time and see in the New Year. A parable that illustrates the futility of "turning over a new leaf" compared to the life-changing event of true salvation, in a funny way.

Characters: Francine, the operator of the club. Mr. Laziness, Mr. Boozing, Mr. Looking, Miss Flirting, Mrs. Gossiping, Mr. Lying, Mr. Nailbiting.

Costumes: Coats for all the characters to fit their personalities: a shabby coat for Mr. Boozing, A fur coat for Miss Flirting, etc.

Props: A magazine, coat rack, a cell phone, a hat for the drawing, tickets. A tabletop CD player of some type with some instrumental music.

Setting: The inside of a lounge or club. A couch, a tall desk or table. Some artificial plants or trees for decoration. Special lighting with a couple of floor lamps would set the mood better than direct overhead lighting.

SOUNDTRACK CD INFO

NOTE: Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the background music and effects tracks as listed in the script to enhance your performance.

Soundtrack: As always, the specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance of this skit script much funnier, professional, and effective. The soundtrack cuts for this skit, the tracks #11 through #15, are on the Combo Package #9 Soundtrack CD, along with "Crisis on the Holiday Helpline" and "How Nick Became A Saint." You may order it now for $20 plus $1.50 shipping on the Soundtracks Page, or add it to your shopping cart by clicking here.

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The owner of the club, Francine, walks in to stand beside a high table with a phone. She is chewing gum noisily, reading a magazine and looks bored. As the music is ending, the phone rings. She picks it up to answer but files her nails as she talks with the phone held between her ear and shoulder. She speaks with a New York accent.

Francine: "Bad Habit Club. Francine speaking, how can I help you? (pause) Yes, we are open for New Year's Eve. It's our busiest night of the year! (pause) Uh, huh. (pause) Well, we're not taking any more reservations, it's too late. What was your name, though? I see. Well, Mr. Procrastination, if anything comes open I'll call you up, but I doubt it will. Bad Habits fill this place up on New Year's Eve. (pause) Goodbye.

(To herself) Another Bad Habit looking for a place to go on New Year's Eve. Sad, sad, sad.

(The door opens and a fellow comes in, Mr. Laziness, dragging his feet as if depressed or very tired.)

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party begins shortly.

Mr. Laziness: (Sighing, and speaking as if worn out.) Thanks, I've been here a few times before. Nowhere else to go on New Year's Eve for an old Bad Habit like me.

Mr. Laziness: Yep, every New Year's Eve, at the place I stay, Mr. Heart's Boarding House, the manager Mr. Conscience makes up a list of New Year's Resolutions and tells me to hit the road. He's so high and mighty... once a year, that is.

Francine: I've heard a lot about Mr. Conscience. Every New Year he tries to get Mr. Heart to clean house, and turn over a new leaf. Never works for long, though, does it?

Mr. Laziness: Nah, I'd give Mr. Heart about a week, and I'll be right back in there.

(He hands her the money with a sigh, and she takes his coat, giving him a ticket in return.)

(Mr. Laziness drags over to the sofa and falls down onto it with a heavy sigh.)

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party begins shortly.

(Mr. Boozing walks unsteadily up to the desk and stands holding on to it as he sways.)

Mr. Boozing: Hey, shweetie cakes. How's tricks? (He hiccups loudly again.)

Francine: I'm surprised to see you, Mr. Boozing, you usually don't show up here till the day after New Year's.

Mr. Boozing: Well, Mr. Conscience ish on the warpath, sho I figured I'd beat 'em to it and get on over here.Too many drunks out on the road tonight to be out late. (Laughs in a slurred way.) Sheee, heee, heee....

Mr. Boozing: Oh, yeah, I drop in and out, depending on whether or not the Missus is around. She don't like me for shome reason, but when she's away... (pantomimes lifting a bottle) glug, glug, glug!

Francine: I still don't get it, you're always the life of the party on New Year's Eve. The Boarding House is on the bandwagon for tonight?

Mr. Boozing: Well, shweetie, I'll let you in on a little shecret... (He motions for her to lean closer. She does, but then winces at his breath and leans back again.)

Francine: I can hear you from here. Your breath is making me woozy. No offense.

Mr. Boozing: None taken, I'm feeling a bit woozy myshelf. There's something weird going on tonight at the Boarding House. I think the Missus is making Mr. Heart go shomwhere else tonight. Shomwhere they never been on New Year's Eve.

Mr. Boozing: (Holds up his hand.) Don't even shay it, puddin'! It's too horrible to contemfate... confemflate... flomcemtra...(hiccups) Think about.

(He weaves unsteadily over to the room, looks around. Mr. Laziness lifts a hand lazily to wave, and Mr. Boozing goes over and flops down on the sofa.)

Francine: (Watching.) That pair reminds me of my first husband. (Looks at her watch.) Better get the party going.

(Begin Cut #12 on the Soundtrack CD: "Background Dance Music," which plays at a low level under the action for as long as needed. Start this track over if needed, if it runs out before you come to the Countdown To New Year's part of the script.)

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party is just getting started.

Mr. Looking: ( A smooth, shallow type, he looks her up and down.) Hey, babe! Looking good!

Mr. Looking: And I'm... Looking. (Wiggles his eyebrows up and down as he looks her over.)

Mr. Looking: I mean, that's my name, I'm Mr. Looking. This here is my date, Miss Flirting.

Miss Flirting: (Leaning on his arm, she speaks with an even heavier New York Accent and a squeeky voice.) Hiya! Pleased ta meet ya!

Miss Flirting: Thanks, luv! I better watch out, you're not an eyesore, yourself! She ain't half bad, is she, Looksie?

Francine: (Popping her gum, she flatly replies.) You're both honking up the wrong alley. Ten bucks.

(Miss Flirting shrugs as Mr. Looking pays, and hands their coats over for the ticket.)

(They go over to join the rest, Miss Flirting flirting with the others as they greet them.)

Francine: (Watching them go.) Looking and Flirting. Those two bad habits are gonna cause trouble, I can tell.

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party is getting underway.

Mr. Nailbiting: (Sounds like Droopy, the depressed dog in the cartoons.) Um, uh, y-y-y-yes, I'd, I'd like to, uh...

Mr. Nailbiting: If you don't mind.... May I? (He bites his nails nervously.)

Francine: This is the Bad Habit Club, I'm not sure you'd have a good time...

Francine: (Kindly.) Look, Mr. N, I hardly think you qualify as a "bad" habit. Now, if your name was Mr. Smoking, it would be different, he stinks. Or Mr. Nosepicking, he's disgusting. But Mr. Nailbiting? You're a bit tame for this joint.

Mr. Nailbiting: B-b-but, bad habits are all bad, little or big. That's what Mr. Conscience said, so I have to leave with all the others that were bothering him. (Pitifully.) I called for a reservation. Are you telling me to go away, too?

Francine: No, I don't have the heart. Go on in, kid. But watch yourself in there, there's some pretty rough types hanging out here. (She lets him go in for free.)

Mr. Nailbiting: I-I-I'm n-n-not afraid. Anybody messes with me, I'll j-j-just bite' em. (Bites nails all the way in.)

Francine: (Watching him with pity.) Poor kid's nibbled his nails to the nub.

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party is already going.

Mrs. Gossiping: That's what I heard. I just had to run over and see for myself if it was true!

Francine: Aren't you Mrs. Gossiping, that writes the "Talk of the Town" column?

Mrs. Gossiping: You know me, I'm flattered! Yes, I am. If it's juicy, I know about it. And I don't keep it to myself!

Francine: I love reading your column. It really keeps me up to date on the dirt around town.

Mrs. Gossiping: And honey, this town has more dirt than the Colonel has chicken!

Francine: Why are you here tonight? Usually New Year's Eve is a busy night for you to get some good stuff.

Mrs. Gossiping: (Downcast.) Oh, usually it is, darling, but this year, Mr. Conscience was really stirring up a fuss and tossing out everybody! Well, I don't go where I'm not wanted, so I made like Miss Flirting's dress and split.

Francine: (Laughing behind her hand with her.) Well, you'll be glad to know she's here tonight too. So the evening's not a total loss!

Mrs. Gossiping: (Brightening.) Oh, goodie, thanks for the tip. Where there's Flirting, there's always something juicy to talk about the next day!

Mrs. Gossiping: Oh, I know old Bug-Eyes well. He gives me plenty to talk about, too!

Francine: I'm sorry you were evicted due to that stupid New Year's Resolution tradition.

Mrs. Gossiping: Oh, it's just a lot of talk, that's all. Once the new wears off, and the everything goes back to the old routine, we'll all be back. There's never any real change. That is, unless the worst happens and the Boarding House gets new management. I've heard of that happening, and whole communities of bad habits have been left homeless.

Mrs. Gossiping: Yes, it is. Well, time's wastin, and I see Miss Flirting is making the rounds already!

Francine: (smiling.) Cover is five dollars.Keep your ticket, there'll be a door prize drawing soon.

Mrs. Gossip: (As she pays and hands over her coat, and gets a ticket.) Thanks, so nice talking to you!

(She joins the group, most of whom are standing and talking, each one exhibiting the characteristics of their name. The only one not standing now is Mr. Laziness, who is leaning back on the couch in a slouch.)

Francine: (Looking them over and shaking her head.) Wow, I never knew Mr. Heart's Boarding House had so many Bad Habits living there. It's really went downhill in who they let in there. But, what's bad for them is good for me.

Francine: Welcome to the Bad Habit club. The New Year's Eve Party is in full swing.

Mr. Lying: Hello, I'm from the City Health Department, and I'd like to inspect your premises.

Mr. Lying: (Searching his pockets half-heartedly.) Uh, I seem to have misplaced them. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Mr. Lying: (Hesitates.) Mister... uh, Criticising. Yes, I'm Mr. Criticising.

Mr. Lying: Oh, yes, I am. Did I tell you that's an ugly dress you're wearing tonight?

Francine: (Looking at him doubtfully.) Huh-uh, I'm still not buying it. Are you lying?

Francine: (Looking at the reservation book to check him in, she repeats his name.) You're Lying.

Francine: How can I be sure? If you're really Mr. Lying, then everything you say is a lie, correct?

Mr. Lying: (He looks at her for a moment.) You're trying to confuse me, aren't you?

Mr. Lying: So would everyone else. I'm here tonight because this is the place to be on New Year's Eve! (Does a couple of dance moves, which he freezes in the middle of as Francince bursts his bubble.)

Francine: No, you're a bad habit, and you're only here because Mr. Conscience is making his annual New Year's resolutions, and he's kicked you out under the new house rules! (Checking her book.) I see you have a reservation, so I guess you can come in. Cover is five bucks.

Mr. Lying: (Dropping the dance pose he had been holding, he snaps the fingers on both hands and points at her with them.) You know, I like you.

(Foiled, he presses his lips together and hands over the money, which Francince holds up to the light and inspects. With a disgusted smirk, she hands it back to him. He sheepishly takes it and hands her another bill, which passes the test this time. She takes his coat and gives him a ticket, and motions with her thumb smartly for him to go in.)

(Soundtrack Note: The sound person should turn down the Background Dance Music playing when Francine acts as if turning it down. Cue up the CD to the next track and restore the sound level.)

Francine: Time to give away the door prize. (Taking a microphone, she turns down the music and addresses the crowd.) Attention everyone, may I please have your attention!

(The crowd stops talking and turns to face her desk. Mr. Laziness raises his head lazily to look also.)

Francine: Thank you. I'd like to welcome everyone to this year's Bad Habit Club New Year's Eve Party, where the baddest of habits like yourselves gather together! (The crowd whoops and hollers. When they quiet down she continues.) It's only a few minutes away from midnight. We have just enough time for everyone's favorite contest, the Door Prize drawing! Everyone look at your coat check ticket and if it matches the number I call, you've won $100! Here goes.... the winning number is.... (reaching into a hat with the ticket stubs.) Zero, zero, zero four!

Mr. Lying: (Waving his ticket in the air.) That's my number, I've won, I've won!

Francine: (Dubiously.) Would someone look at Mr. Lying's number please, and see if it matches?

Francine: (Under her breath.) That's another lie. (More loudly.) Miss Flirting, come on up and get your prize money!

(Miss Flirting claims the money, then waves and blows kisses to everyone in the crowd as she puts the money down her blouse.)

Francine: Okay, it's almost midnight! Everyone gather round and get ready to see out the old year, and welcome the new!

(The crowd of customers draws near to where Francine is standing, in a happy, talkative group.)

Francine: (Looking at her watch, and holding the microphone.) Fifteen seconds!

Francine: (With crowd.) Nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one...

(Begin Cut #13 on the Soundtrack CD:"Auld Lang Syne" begins playing over their cheers, whistles, and racous celebration.)

(Each character celebrates in his own way; "Laziness" barely manages to clap; "Boozing" can hardly stand as he cheers; "Nailbiting" is made nervous; "Flirting" and "Looking" embrace and hold on tightly to each other, etc. The whooping and hollering goes on for a few moments until the song ends, and they begin to settle down to party.)

Francine: All right, everyone, remember that karaoke contest starts in a half hour! Don't forget to register for it at the sound booth. (As the crowd cheers and claps, she puts down the microphone and turns the music back up, everyone goes back to talking and dancing to the music.)

(Begin Cut #14 on the Soundtrack CD: "Dance Music and Cell Phone FX.")

(After about 20 or so seconds of the dancing music, a cell phone is heard ringing. Mrs. Gossiping takes hers out and answers it as she dances with Mr. Boozing. After a moment of listening she suddenly stops dancing and moves to the front of the stage away from the crowd.)

Mrs. Gossiping: (Holding a hand to one ear, she speaks loudly into the phone.) What's that you say again? I think I heard you wrong! At least, I hope so! (Listens.) Oh! That's terrible! (Listens.) Oh, no! That's horrible! (Listens.) Oh, no, no, no! That's terribly horrible! (Putting up the phone, she turns to the crowd and yells.) Stop the music! Everybody, pay attention, I've just heard some awful news through the grapevine!

(Soundtrack Note: the music playing naturally fades. If it is still playing at this point, the sound person should fade it out, then cue up the next track and restore the sound level.)

(Francine turns the music off and everyone stops talking and moving to look at her with curiosity and concern.)

Mrs. Gossiping: I've just been informed by my sources, which are very reliable, that the worst has happened! Our Boarding House has new management!

Mrs. Gossiping: (Signaling for quiet.) The Missus took the owner, Mr. Heart, to church services instead of having a party! They've just come back, and he's been saved! It's true! He accepted Jesus, and now he has a new heart, and a clean conscience, and the Holy Spirit has taken up residence there!

Mrs. Gossiping: And I think we all know that means we're not just out for New Year's Resolutions, we're out for good! Permanently evicted!

Mrs. Gossiping: (Running off stage.) Oh, dear! I have to spread the news immediately!

Mr. Boozing: Well, the party's over! I'm going off to drown my sorrows. (Staggers off.)

Mr. Nailbiting: Oh, I'm thrown out again... What will I do? I may have to change my name to Mr. Bedwetting. (Bites nails all the way out.)

Mr. Lying: (Fakes a laugh.) I don't care if he dropped me, I didn't like him anyway! (Bursts out crying loudly and leaves.)

Mr. Looking: (Angrily.) He's gonna miss me most of all. What's he gonna do now when he's shopping in the mall with his wife? (Leaves.)

Miss Flirting: (Panicked.) Wait, don't leave without me! I'm insecure and afraid! I need someone to look at me! (Leaves also, hurrying after him with tiny rapid steps.)

(Mr. Laziness is the only one remaining, still sitting on the couch with a sleepy look on his face.)

Francine: (With hands on her hips.) Well? What about you, Mr. Laziness? You're out on the street too. Aren't you going to do anything?

Mr. Laziness: (Slowly getting up and stretching.) Yeah... guess I'll move on and find someone else to take up with. It's pretty easy, 'cause most people don't recognize me as a bad habit. They confuse me with a character flaw.

Francine: And most everyone calls their besetting sins, "bad habits." That's why they're so hard to get rid of.

Mr. Laziness: Hey, you start calling this place "The Besetting Sin Club" instead of "The Bad Habit Club," you'd lose all your clients! (He yawns and heads slowly toward the door.) I'm beat, I need to find a place to crash. Take it easy, Fran!

Mr. Laziness: Hey, that's my lifelong motto! (He stops as he is about to go through the door, then looks back.) Uh, speaking of work, what are you gonna do now? This place is deader than K-Mart on a weeknight.

Francine: Oh, I'll be here next year, when they all find another boarding house, and then get tossed out again for next year's resolutions. Bad habits are hard to get rid of, unless the life is changed. And we all know that's rare.

Mr. Laziness: Good thing, too. I don't have the energy to look for a new place to stay every week.

(Mr. Laziness leaves, and Francine goes to her desk sadly, looking at the full coat rack.)

Francine: (To herself.) They'll be back. Bad habits get passed from one generation to the next. The Bad Habit Club will always have a crowd come New Year's Eve. After all, old habits die hard. (She leaves also, turning out the light, singing wistfully, but plaintively, as she leaves.) Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?

(Play Track #15 on the Soundtrack CD: ("Skit End: Auld Lang Syne Reprise")

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